Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
