He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
