I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
