I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
