I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
NoShamevember. You game?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
