I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
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There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
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I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
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I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
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