my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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