We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
