it hurts more in the daytime
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
