We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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