Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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