I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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