Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
