And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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