If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
