She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
