What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm at about main and main street
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
