thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
