Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
