So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
