i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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