Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
