4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize