Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he fucked my hip out of place.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
