ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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