next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
