I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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