Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
