My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
