my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
