captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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