I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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