i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
