I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
its liver damage thursday
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
