shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
