There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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