party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I stole a fireplace last night.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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