brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
