you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
