I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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