I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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