The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
