There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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