Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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