At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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