Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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