Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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