Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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