Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You need Xanax blowdarts
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
