Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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