so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
