everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
