i just wanna soil my oats bro
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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