I have demons in me.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
