I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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