after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
