why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
