I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
