i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Dick very happy bro
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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