So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
