You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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