u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
