dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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