Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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