Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
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I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
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I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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