I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
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That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
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In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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