My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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