Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
